light

I can't figure, for the life of me, why there are some things that I just can't learn.  Can't get past.  Most of my scribbling these days has been about fear.  I don't really have anything new to say.  You've heard it all -- facing it, overcoming it, banishing it.  For me though, it is almost like my skin.  I want free of it, but I need it after all, so I can't let go. A perfect nemesis.  

Starting something new always makes me think of the first time I stood at the edge of the high dive.  And I would not jump, I had to dive in head first.  I stood there, shaking, at the edge of the quivering board, my arms stretched in a point over my head as if something as small and insignificant as my own extended fingers could somehow save me.  Thinking, "This is going to hurt, I don't know what I'm doing, why am I doing this?" Feeling the weight of everyone waiting, watching to see what I would do.  But, I hate anything that has so much power over me.  Anything that gets in the way of my will. The perfect nemesis.

So I am a bull, plowing headfirst into every damn thing, and I'm not exactly cautious, even if I am scared to death.  But there is always the experience that follows -- the free fall, colliding with the surface and feeling it give way, the reception of water, and the push to surface, to breath again.  It is like light.  Like the sun going around spilling gold.